Police Humour

How Retired People Have Fun

Working people frequently ask retired folks what they do to make their days interesting… I went to the store the other day. I was in there for only about five minutes. When I came out there was a city cop writing out a parking ticket.
I went up to him and said, “Come on, buddy, how about giving a senior a break?”
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a name. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So I called him a worse name. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote.
I didn’t care. My car was parked around the corner and this one had a “Legalize Pot” bumper sticker on it.
I try to have a little fun each day now that I’m retired.
It’s important at our age.

A Policeman’s Credibility….

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial.  The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman’s credibility…

Q: “Officer—did you see my client fleeing the scene?”
A: “No sir.  But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.”
Q: “Officer—who provided this description?”
A: “The officer who responded to the scene.”
Q: “A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender.  Do you trust your fellow officers?”
A: “Yes, sir.  With my life.”
Q: “With your life?  Let me ask you this then officer.  Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?”
A: “Yes sir, we do!”
Q: “And do you have a locker in the room?”
A: “Yes sir, I do.”
Q: “And do you have a lock on your locker?”
A: “Yes sir.”
Q: “Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?”
A: “You see, sir—we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.”

The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year’s “Best Comeback”  Line—and we think he’ll win.

Police Humour

Caught for speeding: The cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window. “I’ve been waiting for you all day,” the cop said. The kid replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.” When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Stuck under a bridge: A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads “low bridge ahead.” Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got stuck, huh?” The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.”

Too Late: The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. “What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?” asked the officer. “I’m going to a lecture.” The man said. “And who is going to be giving a lecture at this hour?” the cop asked. “My wife,” said the man.

Best Lawyer Joke of the Year 2006

(received from a lawyer!!)
THE BEST LAWYER STORY SO FAR THIS YEAR - 2006

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men
along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to
stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, “Why are you eating grass?”
“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied.
“We have to eat grass.”
“Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you,” the
lawyer said.
“But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there,
under that tree.”
“Bring them along,” the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, “You come with us, also.”
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then sa id, “But sir, I also have a
wife and SIX children with me!”
“Bring them all, as well,” the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as
large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows
turned to the lawyer and said,

“Sir, you are too kind.
Thank you for taking all of us with you.”
The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it.
You’ll really love my place.
The grass is almost a foot high.”

Hello - Is this the Police?

The phone rings at Peel Policeheadquarters.

“Hello?”

“Hello, is this the Peel Police?”

“Yes. What do you want?”

“I’m calling to report my neighbor Adrian Thibodeaux! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood.”

“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”

Next day, the Peel Police Officers descend on Thibodeaux’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at Thibodeaux and leave.

The phone rings at Thibodeaux’s house.

“Hey, Adrian! Did the Peel Police come?”

“Yeah!”

“Did they chop your firewood?”

“Yep”

“Great, now it’s your turn to call. I need my garden plowed.”

The Haircut

One day a florist goes for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the barber and the barber replies: “I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you, I am doing community service.” The florist is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop there is a card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.

A butcher goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber and the barber replies: “I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you, I am doing community service.” The butcher is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a package of steaks waiting at his door.

A cop goes for a haircut and goes to pay the barber. The barber replies: “I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you, I am doing a community service.

The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds at the door? Two dozen other cops waiting for haircuts

Ever Go A Fishin’?

A man was speeding down a Alabama highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.
The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, “Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don’t think it’s fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?”
“Ever go a fishin’?” the policeman suddenly asked the man.
“Ummm, yeah…” the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added, “Did you ever catch ‘em all?”

Can You Help?

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about six years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, “Are you a cop?”
“Yes,” I answered and continued writing the report. “My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?”
“Yes, that’s right,” I told her. “Well, then,” she said as she extended her foot toward me, “would you please tie my shoe?”

Canine Humour

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. “Is that a dog you got back there?” he asked. “It sure is,” I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van.
Finally he said, “What’d he do?”

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